Down and Out

I feel like a teenager all over again with this (and every pregnancy). I start to breakout serious bad, and my emotions are just bananas. The emotions get so hard sometimes that it makes me really down and out. I have began to feel that I will never accomplish anything. I know that I already have accomplished a lot because of my two beautiful kids and the one I am growing as I type, but I feel like there is more to me than that. I love being a mother and I would never change that -- no matter how much I want to at times, or say why did I do this?! Yet when I see other people I grew up with, I will admit the lives they have and made make me jealous. They graduated college, have their own houses, pay mortgages, etc... and I just wish that I could accomplish that or that I did. I want to be able to show myself and my kids that even though I took a different path, got married early, had kids early and back to back -- doesn't mean that you still can't fulfill your personal goals in life.
My personal goals, while continuing to be a mother obviously, is to get into the teaching program and graduate with at least a 3.0, have a great teaching career teaching kids the benefits of writing and expressing themselves with positive words, and to own a HOME. Now I am not stupid. I know all of these things take their sweet damn time, but I have already been in college for three years. During that time I was doing all generals to try and help myself out and hopefully the teaching career I want. Yet the one semester where I thought my grandmother McCann was dieing, and Cameron and I separated -- was the deciding semester of failure for me. Obviously I couldn't get caught up because my depression and partying took a hold of me, and now I am really paying for it. I don't regret the decisions I made because it made Cameron and I stronger, but I do regret not keeping up in school. I miss it soooooo much that it makes me feel like a nerd. LOL.Then when we had this surprising, yet beautiful, gift of baby #3 and my schooling took yet another turn. When I went in for my financial aid appeal, the counselor said that I should not get back in during the fall because of this pregnancy. He said that I might be having the baby right around the time of finals, and then I would have the baby, then the next semester would start just weeks after that!! I told him that is why I wanted to do online courses. I really can not stay out of school any longer. I do work for my mother, but I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL AND ACCOMPLISH MY PERSONAL GOALS.
So now I have to find the classes, talk to the professors to see if they will work with me during my pregnancy and finals, then go back to the counselors, sign up, do the financial aid appeal, hope they accept the appeal and give me financial aid, and then do online school while I work for my mother.
I know, I know, I know that sounds like a lot of work, but it is something I have to do. I believe that I will only work for my mother for two days out of the week, but my school work can get done there when I have nothing to do and when the kids are in bed. Plus Elija will be in school (kindergarten -- which is really sad), and if Cameron and I get our appeals accepted then Marion will be back in ISU's daycare. Which BTW is a beyond great place! My kids learned a great amount there. Anyway, this sitting at home, not wanting to do anything, and in some cases not being able to do anything makes me feel like no one is proud of me. That people think that all I do is push out babies!!! I really try to do more than that. It has been hard lately because of the sickness and stomach pain, but I am doing my best!!!
I guess that is all I can do. I guess just try my damn best. I guess we will see if I can prove people wrong or not!! Let the challenges begin.

REALLY?!?! Is this necessary?!

I know that being pregnant comes with its challenges and I am fine with that. In fact I was ready for that -- or so I thought. Starting last week on Monday or something (idk really) I started to have some serious all day morning sickness. I mean I could barely get up my body was so weak, throwing up water, and being on cranky bitch!!! I truly wasn't prepared for that intense amount of sickness. When I was prego with Elija, I had the 24 hour sickness, but handled it really well; this sickness has FUCKED me up!!!! So, when I went to my midwife appt yesterday she prescribed me some Zofran because it won't put me to sleep. 

I took it yesterday (4-30) and within a half hour to hour I started to feel some sharp pains in my vagina, and sharp pains with some deep intensity with a little bit of curdling pain in my stomach and pelvic area. Okay, now this was not good for my psyche. Last time I had pains like this, I went to the E.R. they gave me an exam and some ultrasounds, and that is when the bleeding started and didn't stop. As of right now, I am pretty freaked out and reluctant to even go anywhere or move in any way. I want to try and save this baby (if that is the case).

I called my midwife and told her about these pains and then informed her that one of the side effects you are suppose to immediately call your doctor with in this medication is ..... DING DING DING ...... stomach pain. After hearing that as well, I was thinking that I am one of those few people who got the serious reaction to a damn nausea medication! How great, right?! Anyway, so my midwife told me to discontinue using the Zofran **DUH**, and if the pains are still there tomorrow, then I need to call and they will take it from there.

This is such a hard thing for me and a pain in my ass. Again, i understand that being pregnant comes with it's ups and downs, sickness, and minor pain because your uterus is expanding, but this IS NOT NORMAL. Believe me after two kids, I really do know my body pretty well. I am usually stubborn enough to say "listen, I can't wait until tomorrow. I have two kids I need to take care of, wifely and house duties to constantly try and perform, and I just had a miscarriage in January with the same pain starting it all! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!!!!!! I need to know if my baby is safe, if I am safe, if I am allergic to the medication, do I need antibiotics, do I need fluids? Come on people. Listen to me!!!!" But of course, I just sit back being in pain, feeling nauseous with no meds, dizzy, and real damn cranky, and just listen to the midwife and wait.

I feel stupid and naive for not standing up for myself or this baby, but I am not bleeding, so I guess they feel like it is not that big of a deal YET. I have cancelled my birthday this year, because of all this sickness and now the pain. I really hope and pray that this baby stays with us. I know that if I have one more miscarriage in this small amount of time, I will FREAK!! In my head, I always am ready for the worst, and I keep picturing that if GOD FORBID a miscarriage happens, I guess more babies aren't meant to be. Of course that is fine, but that makes me incredibly sad. I am ready, the kids are ready and Cameron is finally ready. 

I pretty much right now am pretty sad. I am at work and all I am thinking is that I want to go home and lay down. Just sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep and maybe some crying too. What is the point of sitting here, doing nothing, when I could call the other girl and she could do it? She is in good health and I'm not.
AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Sad panda. I need something to make me feel better, but I don't know what that is. FIX THIS LORD!!