4-23-12. I am just going to start off by explaining some of the situation. My husband and I have been married over 6 years and have really struggled throughout our marriage. This past summer we took a serious break for over 6 months where he took care of the kids and house, and all I did was party. Ya ya it was selfish but I would not change a thing about it!! I learned things about myself, my marriage, my kids, and life itself. So needless to say that when we got back together, things were better than EVER!! It really kicked started our marriage. So that was nice.
A good few months after we were back together and moved into our new apartment, we started talking about babies. OF course, Cameron kept saying that it wasn't the right time because we didn't have money and he wasn't sure what was going on with his job and blah blah blah blah. After I so nicely explained to him (lol) that it is never a good time unless we are rich, he finally said well whatever happens happens!! Obviously I was stoked. I never wanted a four year gap in between my kids. It always scares me that if the gap is too big then the older kids won't connect with the younger and so on.
In December of 2011, we got pregnant and I was so excited. I was actually surprised to see that Cameron was as well. The day after I took that pregnancy test, I started to have problems. I have sever anxiety and depression (but have been really good for almost a year, being off my meds and dealing with it) and thought that because I knew I was pregnant, that my stress and anxiety might have gotten worse, which caused the symptoms. Does that make sense? I don't really know how to explain. Like, sometimes you make yourself sick because you are worrying too much, or too stressed, or whatever -- and that is what I felt like I did. Somehow I caused the symptoms, even though I know it is just natural selection (in some sense). I started to have sharp pains in my stomach and pelvis for days and believe me it was soooooooo damn uncomfortable. Then after a couple weeks I think, I was in the shower and suddenly had really REALLY sharp pains in my vagina and butt. They were so bad that I couldn't even touch either end. And all during this, I was bleeding and pregnancy tests and blood tests were saying I was pregnant. I was very confused. So I called my mother, and begged her to come get me and take me to the hospital because the pain was seriously bad.
Unfortunately, that was the day my mom found out I was pregnant. So, she took my to the hospital, I got some exams, pain medicines, ultrasounds and they said I had a miscarriage but my HCG levels were still rising. (you only have HCG in your blood if you are pregnant). So I had to get another one in a week or two. I did what I was told, and got my last and final ultrasound. This was such a hard day for me. It was January 12, 2012 when it was confirmed that I no longer had the baby, and from that day my levels started to drop. I was beyond devastated, but the hardest part was explaining to my two kids why there wasn't a baby in mommy's belly anymore. It was so hard to hear them say "what happened, I am so sad, why did God want the baby, why don't we get the baby?" I am almost crying right now thinking about it.
I had a miscarriage over 6 years ago, on December 28, 2005 -- which turned out to be my wedding night. We had no idea I was even pregnant. It was really hard when it happened, my stomach really hurt, but I really wasn't devastated over it. I know that might sound selfish but I just had gotten married, still smoked, and wanted to live life with my new husband, I wasn't ready to become a mother. This last miscarriage was so hard, I believe, because we were all ready for it, got excited and then it got taken away. It really is a hard thing to have a miscarriage, it put me in a depressive mode for almost two weeks. I felt like just sitting on the couch, watching TV, eating, getting drunk, and wasting my emotions on nothing!!!!! At this point I was so thankful for Cam and my kids because they really helped me to stay strong as I could, and not go back into something as family breaking as alcohol. That is a whole other story (with alcohol).
Anyway, it was a massive surprise that about two months later, we got pregnant again!!!! I was seriously shocked but really happy. I was torn between how to feel because I was scared of another miscarriage, and selfishly my birthday is in May and I planned on getting white girl wasted, then trying to get pregnant. Almost like having one last wild night!!!!! I am not sad that this pregnancy happened, because all babies are miracles and I was so ready, but SHIT i wanted to be SELFISH for my birthday. Oh well, I plan on still having an awesome birthday party with all my friends, but i will just watch them get drunk. I have no problem dancing sober on my birthday, drinking water or Dr. pepper, and hopefully eating some cake. YOU KNOW PREGNANT GIRLS ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY!!!!!!! Speaking of that, I am hungry, so I might go eat in a minute.
My whole point of this blog, is to document my pregnancy. There might be a ton of posts, or there might be weeks before another one is posted. I plan on just shedding light into any one that reads this, about pregnancy and I want to read it later or after the baby to see what my emotions and my third pregnancy was like. This should be really interesting because I am a weird person with a lot of anxiety. LET"S SEE. HANG ON TO YOUR SEATS PEOPLE.
I really am an honest person, and will hold nothing back. Some of it might be harsh, but if you don't like it then go away. JUST DON'T JUDGE because you aren't perfect either.
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