Down and Out

I feel like a teenager all over again with this (and every pregnancy). I start to breakout serious bad, and my emotions are just bananas. The emotions get so hard sometimes that it makes me really down and out. I have began to feel that I will never accomplish anything. I know that I already have accomplished a lot because of my two beautiful kids and the one I am growing as I type, but I feel like there is more to me than that. I love being a mother and I would never change that -- no matter how much I want to at times, or say why did I do this?! Yet when I see other people I grew up with, I will admit the lives they have and made make me jealous. They graduated college, have their own houses, pay mortgages, etc... and I just wish that I could accomplish that or that I did. I want to be able to show myself and my kids that even though I took a different path, got married early, had kids early and back to back -- doesn't mean that you still can't fulfill your personal goals in life.
My personal goals, while continuing to be a mother obviously, is to get into the teaching program and graduate with at least a 3.0, have a great teaching career teaching kids the benefits of writing and expressing themselves with positive words, and to own a HOME. Now I am not stupid. I know all of these things take their sweet damn time, but I have already been in college for three years. During that time I was doing all generals to try and help myself out and hopefully the teaching career I want. Yet the one semester where I thought my grandmother McCann was dieing, and Cameron and I separated -- was the deciding semester of failure for me. Obviously I couldn't get caught up because my depression and partying took a hold of me, and now I am really paying for it. I don't regret the decisions I made because it made Cameron and I stronger, but I do regret not keeping up in school. I miss it soooooo much that it makes me feel like a nerd. LOL.Then when we had this surprising, yet beautiful, gift of baby #3 and my schooling took yet another turn. When I went in for my financial aid appeal, the counselor said that I should not get back in during the fall because of this pregnancy. He said that I might be having the baby right around the time of finals, and then I would have the baby, then the next semester would start just weeks after that!! I told him that is why I wanted to do online courses. I really can not stay out of school any longer. I do work for my mother, but I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL AND ACCOMPLISH MY PERSONAL GOALS.
So now I have to find the classes, talk to the professors to see if they will work with me during my pregnancy and finals, then go back to the counselors, sign up, do the financial aid appeal, hope they accept the appeal and give me financial aid, and then do online school while I work for my mother.
I know, I know, I know that sounds like a lot of work, but it is something I have to do. I believe that I will only work for my mother for two days out of the week, but my school work can get done there when I have nothing to do and when the kids are in bed. Plus Elija will be in school (kindergarten -- which is really sad), and if Cameron and I get our appeals accepted then Marion will be back in ISU's daycare. Which BTW is a beyond great place! My kids learned a great amount there. Anyway, this sitting at home, not wanting to do anything, and in some cases not being able to do anything makes me feel like no one is proud of me. That people think that all I do is push out babies!!! I really try to do more than that. It has been hard lately because of the sickness and stomach pain, but I am doing my best!!!
I guess that is all I can do. I guess just try my damn best. I guess we will see if I can prove people wrong or not!! Let the challenges begin.

REALLY?!?! Is this necessary?!

I know that being pregnant comes with its challenges and I am fine with that. In fact I was ready for that -- or so I thought. Starting last week on Monday or something (idk really) I started to have some serious all day morning sickness. I mean I could barely get up my body was so weak, throwing up water, and being on cranky bitch!!! I truly wasn't prepared for that intense amount of sickness. When I was prego with Elija, I had the 24 hour sickness, but handled it really well; this sickness has FUCKED me up!!!! So, when I went to my midwife appt yesterday she prescribed me some Zofran because it won't put me to sleep. 

I took it yesterday (4-30) and within a half hour to hour I started to feel some sharp pains in my vagina, and sharp pains with some deep intensity with a little bit of curdling pain in my stomach and pelvic area. Okay, now this was not good for my psyche. Last time I had pains like this, I went to the E.R. they gave me an exam and some ultrasounds, and that is when the bleeding started and didn't stop. As of right now, I am pretty freaked out and reluctant to even go anywhere or move in any way. I want to try and save this baby (if that is the case).

I called my midwife and told her about these pains and then informed her that one of the side effects you are suppose to immediately call your doctor with in this medication is ..... DING DING DING ...... stomach pain. After hearing that as well, I was thinking that I am one of those few people who got the serious reaction to a damn nausea medication! How great, right?! Anyway, so my midwife told me to discontinue using the Zofran **DUH**, and if the pains are still there tomorrow, then I need to call and they will take it from there.

This is such a hard thing for me and a pain in my ass. Again, i understand that being pregnant comes with it's ups and downs, sickness, and minor pain because your uterus is expanding, but this IS NOT NORMAL. Believe me after two kids, I really do know my body pretty well. I am usually stubborn enough to say "listen, I can't wait until tomorrow. I have two kids I need to take care of, wifely and house duties to constantly try and perform, and I just had a miscarriage in January with the same pain starting it all! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!!!!!! I need to know if my baby is safe, if I am safe, if I am allergic to the medication, do I need antibiotics, do I need fluids? Come on people. Listen to me!!!!" But of course, I just sit back being in pain, feeling nauseous with no meds, dizzy, and real damn cranky, and just listen to the midwife and wait.

I feel stupid and naive for not standing up for myself or this baby, but I am not bleeding, so I guess they feel like it is not that big of a deal YET. I have cancelled my birthday this year, because of all this sickness and now the pain. I really hope and pray that this baby stays with us. I know that if I have one more miscarriage in this small amount of time, I will FREAK!! In my head, I always am ready for the worst, and I keep picturing that if GOD FORBID a miscarriage happens, I guess more babies aren't meant to be. Of course that is fine, but that makes me incredibly sad. I am ready, the kids are ready and Cameron is finally ready. 

I pretty much right now am pretty sad. I am at work and all I am thinking is that I want to go home and lay down. Just sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep and maybe some crying too. What is the point of sitting here, doing nothing, when I could call the other girl and she could do it? She is in good health and I'm not.
AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Sad panda. I need something to make me feel better, but I don't know what that is. FIX THIS LORD!!

Nausea

Ya ya I know I said the other day that I had that moment of insanity when I though "Oh that is nice to be nauseous because that is a part of being pregnant," but now I TAKE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nausea is the thing that sucks ass! I can deal with fatigue because I am usually tired anyway, but feeling constantly sick and trying everything I know and have read to subside it -- with it not working, is not cool. Since Tuesday 4-24 I have been mad nauseous. I had to leave work early, barely get a nap then try and be nice to my kids while Cameron went to work. Granted my mother came over after an hour to help with dinner and clean a little, and then Cameron came back at 8 to put kids to bed. That was super nice. The only problem is that when I feel nauseous I don't want to talk because it makes it worse, and my kids did NOT understand that. They were running and dancing and moving all over me, when I tried to lay with them and watch a movie. I really started to get frustrated. I know that I was actually pretty calm for being stressed, sick and pregnant. So ya for me!!!!!!!!
As of today, Joyce took the kids last night for a sleepover and I knew I would finally get a little rest, but even though they were gone, I still had a hard time getting to sleep. When I woke up today, I tried to text my mother and ask her to get someone to come in because I feel like DOG CRAP, and she just said "the other girl is in school this morning, I can't do this right now and I need you." REALLY MOM?! I understand that I am a huge part of your help in working this building while you do the other ventures of professionalism, but I AM PREGNANT AND DON'T FEEL GOOD. You understood with Elija and Marion, how is it that this time there is not so much sympathy. Is it because it is my third kid (hopefully) and I should know the tricks, or because you depend on me to run this business when you're not here, you're just too stressed to care, or what??
It makes me feel like I'm nothing. My brother is a serious "meth head" and all his drug use and PTSD from the Army has literally made him loose his mind. He thinks that he is the center of the earth, he is the second coming, he will be rich but doesn't have to work, so on and so forth -- and he gets more leniency than I do being pregnant and carrying a miracle. He is no FUCKING miracle people. He is just another poor soul that got lost into drugs. And he gets more patience and understanding that I do?! I THINK NOT.
If you can't tell today I am very frustrated, mad and feeling very resentful. I have tried everything I know to curb this nausea (and am still working on some other tricks), and yet there is nothing!! I cried this morning because I didn't get the understanding I thought I would from anyone. Yes, it might just be the tornado of hormones, but really now?!?! Come on people. Maybe I am expecting too much because my other two pregnancies were full of people understanding, caring, and a lot of help.
Am I wrong for wanting some understanding this early in the pregnancy? I know that hopefully the nausea will go away within the second trimester, but what if it doesn't?! I am going to need some sort of understanding. I haven't told many people about being pregnant yet because I don't want to get any hopes up just in case I have another miscarriage. I told my husband (obviously), my mother and my BF Gina. I know that I would get more support from Gina at times than the other two. Isn't that sad?! Maybe it's because she is a DJ, her kids are grown, she understands more, or something. I always could count on her, but there are times when I don't want to bug her because I hate having to depend on other people a whole lot. Even though at this point I need a ton of support. I am pretty sure, I have no idea how to feel or how to get rid of this nausea but guess what??? I AM TRYING.
I also want to say that I have no idea what I wrote! Lol. I just started to vent.I want to go home, get in my sweats, and sleep or just rest. When I am lying down my nausea subsides a little but I can't just lay 24 hours a day until this goes away. But I tell you one thing, that is what I am going to do today until Cameron goes to work again. I FEEL LIKE SHIT, I WANNA THROW UP ON THIS KEYBOARD AND WANT TO SCREAM AT MY BROTHER AND PUNCH HIM IN HIS BALLS FOR GETTING MORE UNDERSTANDING BECAUSE HE IS A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK THIS! Again I am carrying a damn miracle of life, and granted the only person I really need behind me helping me is my husband (and trust me he really is), but wouldn't it be nice to have your mother as well.
Sorry mom if you ever read this. If it offends you just blame it on the pregnancy but it is NOT fair.
I'm done.

FATIGUE SUCKS

I have forgotten many things about pregnancy, since my last one was almost over 4 years ago!! Which actually makes me sad because my kids are growing up. Any-who -- when I had my son I the most horrible morning sickness ever, then with my daughter I had none. So I am guessing that is a way to tell what this baby will be -- by the cravings as well, and the morning sickness. Today I woke up, got showered and ready, had a little bit of coffee (which actually is not that bad for you while pregnant unless it is in abundance, and it helps me poop!!) and then suddenly BLLLLAAAAHHHHHHHH. I threw up for no reason! Who does that? Really? Then I actually got in the car and thought to myself, "Oh ya, this is what pregnancy is. How exciting!"

I know that is weird right? I was happy in a way that I threw up this morning, and not to mention I was happy I pooped this morning (even though sometimes I am afraid I might push too hard and cause a miscarriage). AWKWARD!!

Anyway, back to the topic. FATIGUE SUCKS BALLS!!! There is so much for me to do everyday that it is hard to not let all my tiredness get in the way. My alarm went off at 7:45a.m. and of course I looked up and everyone was in my room sleeping, so I layed back down and hit the snooze. Then, because I am NOT a morning person, I had another alarm go off at 8.Yes people, I come prepared for the mornings. I thought, "Who the hell seriously wants to get up this early and go to work, when there is a perfectly great bed here, where I know my husband will let me sleep?!"

But when I popped up this time to check if everyone was still sleeping, I panicked because my son was not there. So I jumped up and went searching. Do you want to know where I found him, and I don't know why I didn't look their first ....... on the couch, chillin, with his legs crossed, headphones on, playing on daddy's phone!!! I guess that is one sure way to get a pregnant woman up -- have her child not be in his bed or on the floor in her room. AGGGHHHHHH. I almost panicked.
Another problem with me (besides not being a morning person in the slightest), is that I am a night person and have a really hard time falling asleep sometimes at the times that I should. So last night I didn't get into bed until midnight. YA YA eight hours of sleep is what an adult needs, but I believe that someone with two kids, TMJ that wakes me up during the night, kids that try to snuggle and you end up with feet and ass in your face, and being pregnant within the first trimester, needs AT LEAST 10 -12 hours of sleep. LMFAO. I usually get this on the weekend, because my husband is so awesome, but I never feel like it's enough.
It was so much easier with the first child. When I was pregnant with Elija, I got fired from my job because I showed up late too much (which was actually because of my morning sickness), so I had all the time in the day to be seriously lazy, sleep, eat, poop, watch T.V., and make the occasional venture into the world. :) So I really did get some good sleep ..... then he was born and I felt like I never got enough.

Then when I was pregnant with my daughter, Marion, Elija was only 3 months. So, it was a little more difficult to get the amount of sleep I wanted. I did come up with a solution. When he woke up, I got him a sippy or whatever, some little breakfast items, turned on baby first T.V. and put him in the playpen. Oh ya, I changed his diaper before that too. So while he was stuck in his playpen in front of an EDUCATIONAL show, I layed right there in bed and slept for another hour or so. I was an amazing mother, I know, I know. I really don't regret that though because I got some damn sleep and if you have ever seen me pregnant with not enough sleep, it is NOT nice!!

This time -- it is a little harder to find that extra sleep. I WILL FIND YOU SLEEP BEFORE THIS BABY COMES BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO BE A DICK AND RUN AWAY!!!!! Just don't leave me yet.

Oh, one more thing from me about fatigue. YOU SUCK. Yet I am thankful for my hubby, because without him, I would be a serious skank bag in the morning because I feel so tired. I know he is tired too, but the benefit of being pregnant is that I get to sleep, not him. All he did was let swimmers go, I have to pretty much fertilize those swimmers in my egg, then produce a miracle for nine months. YA thanks I WILL TAKE THE SLEEP FIRST!!!Unless of course, you want to deal with all the hormones flowing through my body?!?!?

Just sayin! Love you Cameron, screw you fatigue.

A Brief Intro to Our Pregnancy

4-23-12. I am just going to start off by explaining some of the situation. My husband and I have been married over 6 years and have really struggled throughout our marriage. This past summer we took a serious break for over 6 months where he took care of the kids and house, and all I did was party. Ya ya it was selfish but I would not change a thing about it!! I learned things about myself, my marriage, my kids, and life itself. So needless to say that when we got back together, things were better than EVER!! It really kicked started our marriage. So that was nice.
A good few months after we were back together and moved into our new apartment, we started talking about babies. OF course, Cameron kept saying that it wasn't the right time because we didn't have money and he wasn't sure what was going on with his job and blah blah blah blah. After I so nicely explained to him (lol) that it is never a good time unless we are rich, he finally said well whatever happens happens!! Obviously I was stoked. I never wanted a four year gap in between my kids. It always scares me that if the gap is too big then the older kids won't connect with the younger and so on.
In December of 2011, we got pregnant and I was so excited. I was actually surprised to see that Cameron was as well. The day after I took that pregnancy test, I started to have problems. I have sever anxiety and depression (but have been really good for almost a year, being off my meds and dealing with it) and thought that because I knew I was pregnant, that my stress and anxiety might have gotten worse, which caused the symptoms. Does that make sense? I don't really know how to explain. Like, sometimes you make yourself sick because you are worrying too much, or too stressed, or whatever -- and that is what I felt like I did. Somehow I caused the symptoms, even though I know it is just natural selection (in some sense). I started to have sharp pains in my stomach and pelvis for days and believe me it was soooooooo damn uncomfortable. Then after a couple weeks I think, I was in the shower and suddenly had really REALLY sharp pains in my vagina and butt. They were so bad that I couldn't even touch either end. And all during this, I was bleeding and pregnancy tests and blood tests were saying I was pregnant. I was very confused. So I called my mother, and begged her to come get me and take me to the hospital because the pain was seriously bad.
Unfortunately, that was the day my mom found out I was pregnant. So, she took my to the hospital, I got some exams, pain medicines, ultrasounds and they said I had a miscarriage but my HCG levels were still rising. (you only have HCG in your blood if you are pregnant). So I had to get another one in a week or two. I did what I was told, and got my last and final ultrasound. This was such a hard day for me. It was January 12, 2012 when it was confirmed that I no longer had the baby, and from that day my levels started to drop. I was beyond devastated, but the hardest part was explaining to my two kids why there wasn't a baby in mommy's belly anymore. It was so hard to hear them say "what happened, I am so sad, why did God want the baby, why don't we get the baby?" I am almost crying right now thinking about it.
I had a miscarriage over 6 years ago, on December 28, 2005 -- which turned out to be my wedding night. We had no idea I was even pregnant. It was really hard when it happened, my stomach really hurt, but I really wasn't devastated over it. I know that might sound selfish but I just had gotten married, still smoked, and wanted to live life with my new husband, I wasn't ready to become a mother. This last miscarriage was so hard, I believe, because we were all ready for it, got excited and then it got taken away. It really is a hard thing to have a miscarriage, it put me in a depressive mode for almost two weeks. I felt like just sitting on the couch, watching TV, eating, getting drunk, and wasting my emotions on nothing!!!!! At this point I was so thankful for Cam and my kids because they really helped me to stay strong as I could, and not go back into something as family breaking as alcohol. That is a whole other story (with alcohol). 
Anyway, it was a massive surprise that about two months later, we got pregnant again!!!! I was seriously shocked but really happy. I was torn between how to feel because I was scared of another miscarriage, and selfishly my birthday is in May and I planned on getting white girl wasted, then trying to get pregnant. Almost like having one last wild night!!!!! I am not sad that this pregnancy happened, because all babies are miracles and I was so ready, but SHIT i wanted to be SELFISH for my birthday. Oh well, I plan on still having an awesome birthday party with all my friends, but i will just watch them get drunk. I have no problem dancing sober on my birthday, drinking water or Dr. pepper, and hopefully eating some cake. YOU KNOW PREGNANT GIRLS ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY!!!!!!! Speaking of that, I am hungry, so I might go eat in a minute.
My whole point of this blog, is to document my pregnancy. There might be a ton of posts, or there might be weeks before another one is posted. I plan on just shedding light into any one that reads this, about pregnancy and I want to read it later or after the baby to see what my emotions and my third pregnancy was like. This should be really interesting because I am a weird person with a lot of anxiety. LET"S SEE. HANG ON TO YOUR SEATS PEOPLE.
I really am an honest person, and will hold nothing back. Some of it might be harsh, but if you don't like it then go away. JUST DON'T JUDGE because you aren't perfect either.